The Ken Doll

The Ken Doll

 

One the of the presents we bought Shay for her birthday was a talking Ken doll, called “Perfect Boyfriend Ken” or some such crap.  I was the one who picked it out at Wal-Mart.  Not because I encourage boyfriends for a seven year old, plastic and miniature or otherwise, but because I’m cheap, and it was in the clearance aisle.  So I’m standing in this discount aisle, looking at all these tossed-aside toys in their warped and torn packaging, wondering what to pick out (I must say, and I hope this doesn’t come out poorly, that shopping for African American kids is usually a little cheaper, especially for little girls, because people tend not to buy the dolls of different ethnicities, and one can almost always find the black or Hispanic variation of an otherwise sold out Moxie Girl doll or Barbie’s friend Simone or whoever in this Land of Forgotten Toys.  Sad, and a little eye-opening, but true) and I see this talking Ken.  On the package is this ditsy looking little girl, twirling her hair, looking dreamily up toward the ceiling, with a dialogue bubble that says, “Oh, Ken, you always know JUST what to say!”  On the front , in big letters, it says “Try Me!”  Apparently you push the heart on Ken’s chest and say something into it, then it repeats it back to you when you push another button on its lower back.  So I’m a little incensed at first, seeing as this is saying that the “perfect boyfriend” is just some eunuch (which, in retrospect, is better than the alternative) automaton that says EXACTLY what you COMMAND it to say.  But, the 60% discount still has my attention, so I picked it up off the shelf, looking around to make sure no one is watching me perusing Ken dolls (I’m still new to this, so I haven’t overcome some of the embarrassment of looking around little girl stuff.  I always think someone is going to think I’m a pervert or something), and push the heart button of this thing.  I say, “Hello, Shay, I’m Ken.”  I push the button on the back and am aghast at what comes back out of it.  You see, the major feature of this thing is that a little girl, with a high, impish voice says something into the microphone in the chest.  It records it.  Then they push the response button, and the thing replies in what is supposed to be Ken’s voice.  Apparently it slows the voice down a little and lowers the pitch.  Well, when a grown man talks into it…you guessed it, Buffalo Bill from the Silence of the Lambs talks back at you.  So I almost drop the damn thing and run out of there, but I’m intrigued.  So, again, I’m looking around, and I whisper one of Bill’s more choice phrases into it.  It responds in kind, and does not disappoint.  With glee I run to the counter and pay for it, forgetting my embarrassment.  I doubt that the bored lady at the checkout counter missed the excitement in my eyes as I made my purchase.  Now THAT might get someone to think I’m a pervert.

 

So I get to my car in the parking lot, get in, pull Ken out of the Wal-Mart bag, and begin to make this thing say the most terrible things in the world.  And I am just laughing my ass off.  I glance over and see someone getting into their car, looking at me with wide eyes.  Okay.  So, they just saw a grown man in a parked car, apparently having a two-way conversation with a Ken doll, and the man is just having the time of his life, laughing wildly at the incredible things Ken is saying to him.  At this point, I am surprised the cops weren’t called.  I decide enough is enough, and start to drive home.  But, I’ve worn Ken’s batteries down (it couldn’t have been ALL my fault, this thing had most likely been on the shelf for a while and lots of people had probably tried it, but I can’t imagine anyone passing this gem up) so I have to go to a battery store on the way.  This thing takes EIGHT WATCH BATTERIES.  Eight.  I paid twenty bucks for batteries, approximately 1.5 times as much as the doll itself cost.  Damn.  There went my discount.  But, I think it was a good purchase.

 

So I get home, and Amy’s wondering what I got.  I show her.  She pushes the button.  And no, thankfully, my previous indiscretions did not come flying out of Ken’s filthy mouth.  The battery change out had taken care of that.  But we did discuss what the first message should be to Shay.  I suggested, “Abstinence is cool, stay in school!”  The suggestion was swiftly vetoed (although I did make Ken say it back to me a few more times and Amy had to finally take it away from me).  We settled on “Hi, Shay, want to go steady?”  But I didn’t want Buffalo Bill saying it to her, so Amy recorded the initial message.  Anyway, Shay loved the damn thing and was amazed that it knew her name already.  She plays with it some.  But not NEARLY as much as I still do.