Wednesday, February 13th, 2013
What happens when Amy has to go out of town for a conference and Matt is left all alone with his six and seven year old? Find out tonight on an all new episode of "Two funny foster girls and one clueless fat guy." Spoilers: Matt takes the girls to Dennys (of course) where one of them just orders a salad (what...the...HELL...); carts them off to Walgreens to help them buy Valentine's Day candy for their classes, insisting that "those gross candy hearts are just fine! They're a right of passage. And for God's sake NO you can't get that boy a heart shaped box of chocolates. Why? Because you all are seven! Stop creeping me out!" (the lady standing next to me laughing at me the whole time); bumbles his way through bathtime because he "doesn't know the rules, so just get in and holler if one of you is drowning;" makes a terrible go at brushing hair so when they're done they look insane; reads a book that kind of scares them (although it didn't seem to last night when Mom was home); then is poised to pass out in his clothes watching six whole minutes of "The Following". But damn it, at least they're still alive and in bed...so it went well for the first time alone.
Thursday, February 14th, 2013
Woke the girls up this morning to Reveille via loud "ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-BAAAAH's" and flashing the lights on and off. They didn't like it much. But they helped pick out their own clothes (which I THINK look okay), and managed to get their hair up into quasi respectable looking ties. Shay was easy...one pony tail. Done and Done! But took four tries and extensive giggling on her part. Mo was harder...what the hell is "half up and half down?" She finally managed to explain it to me how mom usually does it, but when I was done she had a spike jutting off the top of her head and wild hair around it like some crazy clown girl. But...she LOVED it, so I said, "cool." Done. Got 'em to school with one minute to spare (I think I yell too much in the car, because they're picking up on it, yelling "GOOOOOOO!" to cars in front of me). But the proudest moment was this morning when they started singing all the words to a John Prine song and knew half the words to Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again," complete with an attempt at his nasally voice. Awesome job, kids. Awesome job. Now, let's get you onto Primus.
Saturday, February 16th, 2013
So, yesterday I kind of felt like those Blair Witch Project kids after the second or third day in the woods. You know, when they’re still laughing a lot, but maybe a little too hard, because they’re starting to realize they’re lost and maybe about to die? A slight exaggeration, but still. Anyway, waking up went a little more smoothly, did a little better job on the hair…well, at least they TOLD me I was doing better, because I think they were taking pity on me. (“It’s okay, you’re doing a lot better, Dad,” then smiling at one another, trying to keep from laughing out loud). Got ‘em to school five minutes early, then off to work. Picked ‘em up from daycare that afternoon, they wanted Chinese food (ask the chubby guy for food and ye shall receive) so we went. Now, it’s amazing how much leeway you get with strangers when you have kids in tow. Especially if it is what could be construed as a “cute” situation: two girls who are obviously not biological offspring, calling you “Dad”, you clearly new to the game as you hum and haw over every single decision and question asked of you, bumbling through the order as they change their mind back and forth, etc etc. You turn to apologize to the line behind you, but see they are all looking at you and the kids with soft expressions, telling you that “it’s okay, take your time,” etc etc, and even ominous biker dude with a neck tattoo is grinning at you. I tell you what man, you can get away with a lot of crap in public with two cute little girls and a goofy, “I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing” expression on your face. So we get home, and since we’re reading “Mrs Frisby and the Rats of Nimh” at night (yes, the very one that spooked them the previous night is now their favorite) we watched “The Secret of Nimh” (after the astonishing discovery that Netflix has a kids’ section, and isn’t just full of horror movies to watch after coming home from the bar). After “Nimh” is over we go up to read a chapter of…yes, Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of Nimh, where they keep pointing out which parts are different from the book and the movie, and I have to keep telling them that books are usually different from the movie. They pass out, confused, after a few minutes. I go to bed, watch some of the Walking Dead, then fall asleep. Wake up to them shaking me, telling me they’re hungry. So I make a damn feast: bacon, biscuits and sausage gravy, and scrambled cheesy eggs. While we’re eating, they want to watch another movie on our newfound kids Netflix. So, I’m thinking this is a golden opportunity to introduce them to “good” movies from “our” childhood, i.e. The NeverEnding Story, Labryinth, Tron, Flight of the Navigator, whatever, but am disappointed to see that none of these are on the instant Netflix options. As I’m flipping through, telling the pleading girls “no way” to just about every damn Barbie movie the cursor moves over (there is an ENDLESS supply of these stupid things, each one like some spastic, A.D.D. mash-up of every single ridiculously unattainable little girl fantasy in the world, usually some “Barbie the Princess-Popstar-Model-Who-Tur
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